Saturday, April 12, 2008

Chicken Fillets in a Bag

I have truly surreal conversations sometimes. There we were, 10 women in a quiet studio late at night. The class had barely started when a student put her hand up to ask a question.

"How do you do that thing with your chest?"

"I beg your pardon????"

It turned out that quite a few of them had been struggling with isolating their pectoral muscles from their shoulders. We spent the next 15-20 minutes working on the mechanisms and drills when the same inquisitive student suddenly burst out, "It's because we have no chests, isn't it?" in frustration.

After assuring her that it was not the case, as blokes can do that and most of them did not have boobs, they started an assault of really personal questions.

"Are you wearing a bra?"

"What kind of bra do you wear?"
"How come you can do that if you are not wearing a push-up or paddings?"

"You don't ever wear padded bras, do you?"

"What kind of bras should we wear in order to do that?"

"How come the water bra I bought does not help me do the chest pops you do?"

Next thing you knew, we were having a tutorial not about dance techniques but about falsies.

Now, most of these ladies are mature, slightly conservative and very, very Asian. A few of them are medical doctors and we immediately dismissed the idea of breast implants as way too drastic an option.

I am not sure why they thought I would be able to shed light on headlights augmentation. Most of them had seen me in the altogether when we had to go to a Japanese bath together once. However, I was so nonplussed by the turn of the conversation that I started imparting some third-hand information on falsies.

Those gel-like fillets are better options if you stuff them into a push-up bra.

Why not the water bras?

Don't think those work as water is a live element and it can go in different direction with a buoyancy not seen in breastuses terra-firma, I think.

Oh. What about having serious sponge paddings?

I suppose those could work but my friends tell me that they do not bounce as naturally.

Your friends? Dancers too? What do they use?

Oh, my drag queen friends. They use condoms.


Er ...

I now had to explain my friends' unusual falsies experimentations. 

Apparently, water in balloons do not work. They burst too easily and you look like you were leaking milk from one breast. Two if you are lucky. Or not ...

Ziploc bags with water are weird-shaped and pokey in the wrong places.

Sponge paddings made your falsies look too hard and stand at attention in a bad way.

Chicken fillets are the safest option but the queens do not like them as much as you need some form of breasts for them to stick on to. So since most of them do not have moobs ... they prefer the next option.

Water-filled condoms apparently look the most realistic, do not burst as easily and feel the most natural. Don't ask. I didn't.

You wear these by stuffing them into those granny bras or full-figured bras and double-siding the edges of the bra to your skin so the condoms do not jump up and plaster across someone's face.

This works on queens and so far has not been tested on chicks.

We were in hysterics by the time I disclosed the last bit of information and much time was spent discussed the type of condoms that will be most resilient and hardy.

I am awaiting the test results from these bunch of ladies at some point.