Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Fox Vixen ... Yeah, That's Me

There I am, minding my own beeswax, soundly napping to resuscitate my appetite when I hear an impatient pounding on my door. Followed by someone leaning on the doorbell.

What on earth?!!

I am never good when I just awake so I half stumbled, crawled out from beneath the sheets and meandered drunkenly to the door.

Peeking through the tiny spyglass, I saw the distorted visage of an unfamiliar female behind the door. I say distorted not only because of the convex lenses that warps all faces into a pointy fish face but also because the woman looked really ugly with fury.

Cautiously I opened the door to ask through the latch.

"Yes, may I help you?"

"You effing biatch! You w#^re! Where's my husband?"

"Eh? What? What husband? What on earth are you talking about?"

She kept throwing one insult after another, her shrill voice rising higher and higher as her command of English sludged drearily over the same four- and five-letter words.

I could feel my confused blurriness giving way to mild annoyance. I was woken up for this??? I am going to be one cranky cow tonight, that was for sure.

"Look, you crazy half-wit. I have no idea who your husband or you are for that matter, but you are seriously pissing me off and I advise you to get away from this door before I lose my temper."

She responded by trying to stick her arm through the narrow aperture of the door to claw my eyes out.

By now, some of the other hotel guests were out of the rooms to watch the antics of the psycho. I saw hotel security and staff dashing towards us so I decided to open the door.

I happened to have my practise sword, Hakim, with me.

Once the door opened, the rather chubby Chinese woman lunged through without taking a good look at me.

The me who was wielding Hakim and settling into position.

Door opens, woman is open ... I side kicked her right in the chest into the opposite door. Then I moved forward to point Hakim into her stomach.

"Don't move. In fact, do not speak unless I tell you to. My hand might shake and you could end up with a liposuction you did not want."

Hotel security started to turn their attention towards me now, thinking I am the psycho and tried to talk me down.

I assured them I was only defending myself and I was not going to lose my temper yet and skewer her but I wanted some answers and then I wanted them all to vamoose so I could continue my nap. But I was fast losing patience and if they got in my way I was really going to let loose with Hakim.

"You. Who the hell is your husband?"

She gave some Chinese name.

"Never heard of him. Why do you think he's with me and shagging me?"

She screamed that she knew he was in Room XXX with his ... she used a bad Chinese word equivalent to a woman's part.

"Stop shouting or I might lose my grip on Hakim. Either talk softly or scream loudly when I get frightened and lose my grip. I frighten easily you know."

I looked at my room door. Right number. 

"You can see there is no man in my room other than Hakim. That's the sword's name, by the way. Has not been a man in there other than the bell boy bringing my luggage."

"You lie! Look at you! Of course you must be a fox vixen. You probably hide him somewhere! Where is he?!!!"

Wow, a fox vixen, eh? That's the Chinese slur for women who seduce hapless men, usually of the married variety. They typically look like some harlot from a bad American soap ... wait, is there such a thing as a good one? Sorry .. tangent ...

Gee, the insult has struck me so much to the core, I can feel my grip on Hakim loosening. 

"Oy, watch it! Do not know your husband and am certainly not hiding him. And what do you mean look at me? How rude! Right, call your idiot husband right now to check his whereabouts."

By now she is starting to think she's in mucho trouble and it is a much quieter woman who called her erstwhile husband on her mobile. 

I swear, all heads turned when we heard a mobile ring behind us.

It was like a scene from a farce. 

A man in a bathrobe with a woman in matching attire were in the passageway a few doors away. As he reached for his mobile in his pocket, he realised he had just been busted.

Crazy, jealous wife was so infuriated, she actually swatted Hakim as she rose from the floor and lumbered angrily towards her new target. Everyone followed except me and one hotel security staff.

I rolled my eyes and he apologised profusely.

I told him they owed me one and they better make sure I am appeased or I might sue them. And then told him to go away for now as I wanted to go back to sleep.

Of course, after I returned to the calm of my room, I could not sleep.

Such drama and excitement. It can only happen to me.

Wait a second, the cow did not even apologise to me! Ah, feck it. I rather not have to hear her strident voice or see her or her faithless spouse anywhere near me again.

And to think I stayed at a hotel today because I wanted some peace and quiet. Right.