Solange S'Orange

There are days I really feel good about my self.  Not today as I am sick as a dog.  If the dog had asthma, bronchitis and the voice of Rod Stewart. 

Well, until I saw this photo of Solange Knowles.

And suddenly I felt marginally better.

Who the hell let her out of the house looking like that?  Beyonce, did you do that?  Why you be hating like that?  Tina, you designed that dress, didn't you?  How many times must I tell you to get some Barbie dolls and stop inflicting your daughters with your fashion mishaps?

The girl is 22 and she looks like a 32-year-old, failed showgirl from Vegas.  Or a Miss Clueless beauty pageant.

Come on!  It's even worse as her elder sister actually looks classy and fresh next to her while she looks like a hot, tranny mess.

That orange rosette explosion of putridness should be ejected into space.  Except alien invasion will definitely happen light years from now when they mistake that for a hostile attack.

For the love of all that's holy, someone give that girl a makeover!

Social Viagra Treads Stepford Footprint

What next?  A pill for the terminally stupid to give them some semblance of cognitive thought?  I bet that would sell like hot cakes.

Will this lead to a Stepford planet now?  I can just see the ads for this.  

Are you a social moron?  Try Social Viagra to keep you up and perky night, noon and morn!

Be shy no more!  With Oxytocin, you can score!

Wanna be James Bond instead of James Scorned?  Use Oxytocin - they'd be shaken & stirred!

I think I just made myself ill ...

Shyness drug could boost confidence

By David Thomas

Last updated: 7:36 PM BST 22/06/2008

A drug that combats shyness and social awkwardness, dubbed "social Viagra", could be developed after scientists investigated a hormone released by new mothers.

Scientists in the US found that oxytocin, a natural hormone that assists childbirth and helps mothers bond with newborn babies, helps reduce anxiety and calm phobias.

There are also signs it may help people with autism.

Teams in the US, Europe and Asia are now racing to commercialise a drug based on the hormone, which can be produced synthetically.

Paul Zak, a professor of neuroscience at California's Claremont Graduate University, who has tested the hormone on hundreds of patients, said: "Tests have shown that oxytocin reduces anxiety levels in users. It is a hormone that facilitates social contact between people. What's more, it is a very safe product that does not have any side effects and is not addictive."

The research has been backed up by studies in other countries.

Researchers at Zurich University in Switzerland were able to ease symptoms of extreme shyness in 120 patients by giving them oxytocin hormone treatment half an hour before they encountered an awkward situation.

A spray of the hormone has also been successfully trialled at the University of New South Wales.

Millions of people in the UK suffer from shyness, and one-in-10 people say it seriously affects their daily life. Some resort to drink or illegal drugs to help overcome their awkwardness.

As well as being released by mothers after childbirth, the hormone is believed to make people more generous. Research shows that the higher the natural level of oxytocin people have in their brain, the more likely they are to give money to charity and act kindly towards strangers. It has also been shown to increase the level of monogamy in rodents.

There is speculation that oxytocin might be able to help new mothers who have trouble bonding with their babies or orphans whose mental scars from neglect make it hard for them to love adoptive parents.

It could have other commercial benefits. For instance, it could be sprayed in restaurants to put diners at ease, or be used as an alternative to tear gas to calm rioters.

Story from Telegraph News:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/2175030/Shyness-drug-could-boost-confidence.html

Yohji Bear

There is hope for all hobos.  This man is apparently a model.  Not just a model.  A haute couture runway show model for Yohji Yamamoto's latest Paris menswear collection.

Egads.

Milk of Dignity

Feminists everywhere are probably going to lynch me for saying this but ... what bollocks.

OK, of course, breast feeding is a wonderful thing.  Between mother and child.  But it should not be inflicted on the unsuspecting and uncomfortable.  Sure it is a natural thing.  So is pissing.  But if a bloke unzipped, took out his willy and started pissing in public view, he would get bloody arrested, wouldn't he?

So this is totally double standards, is it not?

Loads of women breast feed in public.  I've seen them.  They drape this cloth over their shoulder and their feeding spawns to hide their boobies from pervy or horrified eyes.  It's really considerate and discreetly classy.

But to demand your right to breast feed in public as a constitutional, human amendment right is a bit much.  It's like asking for extra pay to take leave to nurse your sick child while your single colleagues have to cover your duties with no compensation.  It's a trite bit unfair and what about the rights of the singletons?  Or the blokes having to hold their wee in while in search of the loo?

It's not as if the breast feeding mums can't go to the loo to breast feed too.  

I remember a girlfriend who called me up in tears years ago.  It was early morning and I was in the office when a weeping woman wailed over the phone.  It was her 30th birthday and she was going through some emotional depression at reaching that hallmark without anything to show for it.  So she hied herself off to the nearest McDonalds to drown her sorrows in a McMuffin and dishwater coffee when a woman and her baby sat at the opposite table.

And proceeded to open her blouse, take out her boobie and breast feed in full view of my girlfriend.

Who promptly burst into tears and called me in the office in hysterics.

I was in hysterics myself at the thought of a woman baring her boobies with such impunity in public.

I never forgot that incident and have developed a deep phobia of going to McDonalds in the morning for breakfast in case of boobies flashing.

So the Italian mums protest that showgirls reveal their boobies so why can't they?  My dears, people pay money to see showgirls.  I reckon some people might pay you to put yours away.  And usually the telecast of gratuitous boob flashing are during the hours when kids are safely in bed.

And boobies are not a sexual thing?  Well, loads of blokes' willies are not sexual things too and more of laughable things but you'd get them arrested in a shot if they flashed those at you, wouldn't you?

Come on, be fair here ... and where's your dignity?

Thus, I am against the mass demonstration of rabid boob flashing by breast feeding mums with overdeveloped sense of entitlement.  OK, they should be allowed to breast feed if they cover up with the cloth tent act or go to the loo but no nekkid boob should be shown.  Hey, there might be young, impressionable kids besides your own around.  They could be scarred for life!

So ... Yes, you are entitled to breast feed where and when you wish.  And yes, we are entitled to call the cops on you for indecent exposure.

06/25/2008 03:26 PM

THE POLITICS OF BREAST-FEEDING

Italian Mothers Hold Mass Public Nursing

Whether it's dealing with the squeamish people or oglers, women often feel uncomfortable about breast-feeding in public. This week, a group of 100 women in Rome held a nurse-in to protest what they see as Italy's unfair stigmatization of women who nurse on the street.

Protesting social attitudes that stigmatize breast-feeding in public in Italy, more than 100 mothers gathered in Rome on Tuesday for a public mass-nursing aimed at bringing attention to the matter.

"People still give a start when they see a woman breast-feeding," Grazia Passeri, president of Salvamamme (Save Mothers), told the Italian news agency ANSA, "but they have to learn that a breast is not just a sexy object." Passeri's organization promotes mothers' rights and is currently running a campaign with the slogan, "I'll Nurse Where I Feel Like It."

Pointing out the irony that Italian television is full of lightly or un-clad women, Passeri added: "It's ridiculous that showgirls can show their (breasts) but mothers can't."

One of the participants in Tuesday's mass-nursing, told ANSA that, when she breast-feeds in public: "They give me evil looks, but I do it anyway."

Although the World Health Organization has labeled breast-feeding "the ideal way of providing young infants with the nutrients they need for healthy growth and development," many societies still feel squeamish about seeing women breast-feed in public.

In England, for example, breast-feeding in public can still be punished under public order laws and laws of public decency. That will soon be changing, though, as the government hopes to push through new laws by the end of the year.

"We intend to make clear in the equality bill that it's not acceptable for women who are breast-feeding their babies to be shooed out of restaurants, public galleries and other public places," Harriet Harman, the leader of the House of Commons, told MPs last Thursday, according to the Guardian.

A similar nurse-in was held in November 2006, when women gathered to nurse in public at 31 airports throughout the United States to protest after a flight attendant kicked a passenger off a plane for breast-feeding her daughter.

Source: http://www.spiegel.de/international/zeitgeist/0,1518,561978,00.html

Brazilian Waxing Unlyrical

This is bloody cruel, I say. It's not enough that women typically suffer from extreme anxiety over the state of their bodies when they have to put on their bathers ... they had to start attacking a leggy 5ft 11 Victoria Secret model for being fat.

Karolina Kurkova was recently attacked by the Brazilian press for having "back fat, love handles and cellulite on her butt". They were apparently "horrified" when the 24-year-old strutted the runway at a recent Cia Maritima show looking "uncharacteristically chubby".

Yo. Get a grip. If that is chubby I would hate to hear what they call Britney Spears.

OK, so Kurkova is not looking as fit and toned as she used to, which is rather unfortunate for someone at her age. But by no means is she chubby.

And don't forget the camera piles on weight on most women. I look like a chubby chipmunk on film when I weigh almost the same as one. Which is why I try to avoid cameras.

I reckon Kurkova has just been laying off the exercise the last couple of months and forgot to spray before going out on the runway. 

Still, as one of the highest paid models in the industry who allegedly earns $5 million annually with her famous body, she does have a responsibility to keep it in top shape during a swimwear runway show.

From a business point of view, it is not her weight that is the problem. But when the media and public get hung up on her alleged weight and no one remembers the swimwear line, it is clear than that she has failed in her job.

Note to self: Hit gym before wearing bikini when in Brazil.

Hat Prick

This is beyond sick and asinine.  It's like when you catch your husband in bed with another woman and he asks for clemency citing the fact that he used a condom out of concern about your well-being.

Except this is a hundred times worse.

And not only did this imbecile think wearing a condom made the rape right, he made his own daughter a prostitute by giving her about USD2 each violation.

The man, if you can call him that, should be castrated.  While wearing a condom.  Maybe that will mitigate the ball-less wonder of the sick bastard.

Rapist dad: I used condoms

By V. Anbalagan

New Straits Times, Malaysia

2008/06/20

PUTRAJAYA: He used a condom every time he raped his daughter. For that precaution, the rapist said he should get a lighter sentence.

This mitigation riled Court of Appeal judges Tengku Baharudin Shah Tengku Mahmud, Datuk Sulong Matjeraie, Datuk Ahmad Maarop and those in the court gallery.

His counsel S.I. Rajah mitigated that the sentence imposed on the accused was excessive. 

"Justice should be tempered with mercy. 

"The accused used a condom every time he committed the offence," the lawyer said.

"You mean it is okay to rape using a condom?" asked Tengku Baharudin.

Rajah had no reply.

The roti canai seller, now 49, appealed against sentence because he was a first offender and was remorseful for his action.

Four years ago, the Sessions Court in Petaling Jaya sentenced the accused to a total of 36 years in jail and 20 strokes of the rotan on four counts of rape.

Sulong, who delivered the court ruling, said the appellate court found no reason to disturb the sentence of the Sessions Court. 

He said the sentence was appropriate to send a strong message that such an act should not be condoned and to protect society.

According to the facts of the case, the roti canai seller raped the girl between May 2003 and August 2004. 

The offences took place at their home at night when the mother had gone to work.

The victim was then between 11 and 12 years old.

Deputy public prosecutor Aslina Joned told the court that the accused, a father of five, had betrayed the trust of his daughter.

Aslina said the father would give the victim RM5 as a reward every time he raped her.

A class teacher noticed her to be in a state of depression and the girl told her what had happened.

Police arrested the man on Aug 12, 2004, and he pleaded guilty to the charges in the Sessions Court a week later.

On the first three counts, the then Sessions Court judge Nurmala Salim sentenced him to 18 years' jail and five strokes of the rotan for each offence. The sentences to run concurrently.

He was sentenced to a further 18 years' jail and five strokes of the rotan for the fourth count.

Nurmala ordered this sentence to run consecutively.

You've Been Served

This was apparently served to a woman in a noodle stall in Singapore.

High Rising G-String of Death

It's finally happened. G-strings can maim.

No, not because they will floss in unmentionable places and cause further expansions of certain body cavities as accused by some naysayers.

But because they can blind you.

Victoria's Secret is out. They are actually terrorists from the underbelly of society. A Los Angeles victim, (yes, a woman) is suing the bottoms peddlers of injuring her eye with their G-string.

No, no ... they did not flash her. Or rather a metallic piece from the G-string caused her life to flash before her eyes momentarily. Apparently, a decorative metal bit from the Victoria's Secret "low-rise v-string" propelled itself off the garment and went for her eye.

This vicious attack on Macrida Patterson, 52, happened last May.

The "Sexy Little Thing" (no, not Ms Patterson ... I think) touted by Victoria Secret as "Easy. Breezy. It's the natural choice", lived up to its breezy claim by flying in the face of the wearer. The victim filed a product liability lawsuit against the knickers knock-outs, which did not claim any monetary damages but insisted that a "design problem" in the thong caused damage to her cornea.

This, in turn, caused Ms Patterson to miss a few days of work, which will now be affecting her for "the rest of her life". 

I think the last may be a bit of a thin line of contention.

Strangely, Patterson refused Victoria's Secret's lawyers' requests to examine the alleged faulty garment. I am sure they meant to examine it while she was not in them, which makes her skew-eyed coyness a bit suspect.

Perhaps Patterson should look on the bright side of things. She wanted no visible panty lines. Well, no vision may be the solution. Perhaps VS was trying out a new strategy ...

Korean Engrish

Buying T-shirts in Asia can be rather entertaining. You see a nice one that is well-constructed and tailored (read: makes you look hot) and then you read the words in the front. Or back, sometimes.

Walk feild. See drims. Happy together.

Here we go loop de joop.

Cat happy. Miuow.

Say what? Er, pass ...

I suppose it's similar to seeing some white dude with a huge tattoo on his arm. It's a Chinese character and you can tell he thinks it's bitchin'. Except the words says Happy. If it was read in reverse image. It's the wrong way round, mate.

So it was with some amusement that I received an email of the new promotional poster of a rather famous singer (sic) in Korea, with the unfortunate name of Li Hyori, who has launched her latest album.

It is even more ironic as the warbler has a rather risque image (well, for Koreans anyway) and everyone who can speak English in Korea is sniggering at it.

I rid poster. Laugh small big. Now and just now.

Surmount on the Mounds

This woman, aka Maxi Mounds, just entered the Guinness World Records. No guesses what for. 

Her measurements are 36MMM and weigh 9 kg on each side. The rest of her details are mounted on her comp card.

Hanguel Buddha?

I'm not on a Korean bash fest but it just happened that I had the Korean papers to read and a couple of things struck me as odd.

This one has always intrigued me. I remember my history lessons that taught me that Korea and Japan originally started out from Chinese migratory developments. And so it was a bit of a shock to read in some Korean research papers, years later, that they considered themselves the original country from which the Chinese and Japanese ancestry evolved.

Of course, this was explained to me, by some more learned friends, that this was mainly from North Korean propaganda but the statement and argument has persisted throughout the decades.

So, it was with much interest I read that a report from Korea Daily, based on a research paper from Sunkyunkwan University in South Korea, alleged that Buddha was Korean.

Suddenly I had visions of one of the characters in Goodness Gracious Me tying a turban around a bust of Shakespeare and declaring the latter Indian.

The historians in Sunkyunkwan Uni claim that during 700 BC, Koreans living in the southern part of the Korean peninsular ventured across the oceans. Some reached Japan and formed the roots of some of Japan's culture. Other continued their journey such that around 650 BC, they reached the Straits of Malacca, onwards to Bangladesh and then Sakyamuni was born!

Now, the Korean historians are refuting that Sakyumuni was Aryan and an Indian prince. Their proof? His daily activities, which they claimed were very "east asian". They also correlated some of the words from the Buddhist scriptures to Korean, claiming that the former are "transforms" from Korean.

A book of this research is expected to be published at the end of the year. I would be highly curious to read this.

Why?

OK, let's take it one at a time. Of course, this is based on my limited knowledge and lack of time to do any conclusive research of my own. So top of head observations are:

Them early Koreans had a worse sense of direction than I do. They went from Korea to Japan. OK, that's not that bad a journey. Then went all the way down to the Straits of Malacca. And then circled back up to go to Bangladesh! Did they do this via land or sea because if it was by sea, that was monumentally daft. If by land, that was superlatively daft.

Also, how did they build the boats? If I remember correctly, iron and metallurgy were not developed till about 500 BC in Korea. And I think ships were not developed till after 100 BC. If they swam, I am surprised the Koreans have not won all the swimming events at every Olympics.

Second, Buddha was Aryan. He was born an Indian prince who gave it all up to find the "truth". It is in most religious scriptures from Buddhists to Sikh. His daily activities? What? That he ate little and only vegetables, fruits and milk products? So did a lot of people globally then. He slept. Koreans did that too. He ate. Wow, so did the Koreans. He went to the loo. By God, so did the Koreans! That's it! He's Korean! Ah, I see ...

And let's look at Buddhanet which states that Buddhism took root in Korea after some Chinese monk went on a conversion spree at around the second half of the AD fourth century. Buddhism was introduced during the Three Kingdom period which ran from around 57 BC to around 668.

Let's see, Buddhism started in China in the first century BC through trade with the Central Asians.

The Central Asians learnt about Buddhism from the Indians in third century BC. 

My maths suck so I cannot understand the Koreans's new maths here. 

The last supporting evidence are the words in the Buddhist scriptures deriving from Korean. Alright, from my understanding when I had to study a little of both Korean and Japanese, the origins of both came from China. Which is why I find kanji rather easy. 

However, I remember my Korean instructor telling me that Korean is not only borrowed from Chinese but a ridiculously large percentage of it is also borrowed from other languages. One of which is Sanskrit. The language in which most Buddhist scriptures are written.

Still, stranger things have happened. I bet when Galileo first announced the world was round, loads of people gasped and choked before they decided they were gonna hang him.

I would be highly interested in reading the findings but at the moment, based on the report in Korea Daily, I am finding it highly amusing.

I hope the reporter does a better job in his follow-up.

Kiwis and Hedgehogs

Ah, the Kiwis ... they slay me even if I feel a prick on my conscience for laughing at them.

Somehow I now have visions of Zena doing one of her battle cries as she swings a hedgehog furiously around in the air and launches it into her enemies.  Hedgehog Power!  Aaaaiiiieeeeeeeeeyyyaaaaaaa!!!

Kiwis do it the organic way apparently.  They fight au natural.  Not for them the metallic clank of knives and blades.  And fie on using guns and 2x4s.  

According to AFP, a Kiwi (not the bird, the man ... then again ...) has been convicted of assault with a prickly weapon.  This obviously frustrated hairdresser-wannabe must have felt so passionately about a 15-year-old's bad hairdo that he decided the teen needed a hedgehog helmet to cover his sins.

The misunderstood Samaritan, William Singalargh, aged 27, was fined by the court for his misguided efforts.  They deemed it an assault and offensive behaviour.  Perhaps to the hedgehog but I think his defense lawyer should have shown exhibits of the boy's hair to support their case, if they were to even have a strand of hope.

Fortunately, the Wellingtonian court dropped the more serious charge of assault with a weapon.  We can only surmise that the hedgehog had been asleep and did not have its back up during the attack.  In fact, there was some accusation that the hedgehog was actually deceased at the time of the crime, since it was definitely dead when the police arrived at the scene of the crime.  In which case, Singalargh was lucky that they did not charge him with assault with a dead weapon.

Despite Singalargh's plaintive appeal that he was not a hedgehog hurler, judge Ian Thomas listened to the evidence of other witnesses, who fingered Singalargh through his bright orange pants.  I would say he deserved the fingering.  Honestly, who wears bright orange pants nowadays?  Even Prison Break broke away from that horrendous fashion statement.

But the story related by the victim was even more damning than Singalargh's pants.  On February 9, 2008, the teen had been walking home with his two mates when Singalargh and his three accomplices confronted them on the road outside his home.

Singalargh apparently asked him, "Do you want to wear a hedgehog helmet?"

The teen made the mistake of declining the hairy offer, which drove Singalargh to hedge his bets and attempt to reconstruct the latter's hair by hurling the hedgehog at him.  Unfortunately, Singalargh obviously wanted to straighten out the 15-year-old's hair on his lower body as the ball of pricks hit the boy ... well, near his prick.  On his hip actually.

Left with a red welt and four quills on his hip, the boy cried for mummy who ran out and prevented a second volley.  That ticked Singalargh off so much, he decided to launch another ball of attack by mooning her.  Surprisingly, she was not blinded.  By either his bare buttocks or his bright orange pants.

According to police constable Lyndon Reid, Singalargh also made a monumental arse of himself by admitting to possession of a hedgehog and to using alleged hedgehog as a hacky sack.  So that left the prosecution case completely in the sack as Singalargh ended up with sharp words from the judge and a pointedly appropriate sentence.

Singalargh had to pay a fine of $545 (the cost of the hedgehog was probably not accounted for), of which $389 went to the victim.  The boy ... not the hedgehog.

There is no report on whether there is a memorial service for the misused hedgehog or if the teen is still hip with this sentence.

But there are rumours that there is now a legislation under consideration for the mandatory registry and licensing of hedgehogs and a public campaign on safe hedgehog possession in the home.

Henchmen Risk Stoning

Apparently, two men decided to chip away at one of Britain's, and the world's, most noteworthy heritage.  

Hammering away at the Heel Stone, the central megalith at the ancient site of Stonehenge, the two morons managed to chip off a large, coin-sized piece before their vandalism was discovered.  

Obviously more accustomed to pitting themselves against ancient, inanimate objects, the two men did a runner by jumping over a fence and driving off when they were spotted by security guards.

Site officials claim that it was a very slight damage but still upsetting because such wankish behaviour has not been perpetrated on the UNESCO World Heritage site in decades.  

Stupidity may be hereditary and incurable in some cases, unfortunately.  

Gambian Gay Beheading

Let us all pray ...

To the Creator above, below, sideways, upside down, spread-eagle, downward dog pose, whatever, and whatever and in whichever language you would like to be called today, please enlighten your humble confused.

I, in all my behemoth ignorance, am having a crisis of faith.

That is, my faith in common sense and logical thinking.  But obviously, the two concepts are not compatible with the word "faith".  Not that I am trying to be blasphemous, oh Mighty One who might strike me down with righteous lightning from on high.

I humbly submit my confession of total confusion and ignorance.  I beg for a sign.  A sign that I should stop reading the newspapers, watching any form of information broadcasts and surfing the net.  In fact, I think I should just stop reading full stop.  And I am also reconsidering this whole con-job of thinking.

It is your servants of moral good who have brought my ungodly thought processes to light.  I do not know which division of the Heaven squad they are from but they're good.  Real good.

God's Squad Team Leader aka President Yahya Jammeh of Gambia recently shook me out from my erroneous ways by threatening to behead all gays if they do not leave Gambia.  I had no idea that that is the latest directive from you, Lord of all things big and small, but not beheaded.  I confess I was misled into thinking gay people were also human and therefore considered one of your children.  I had no idea they were adopted!

It was that Satan fella, wasn't it?  They're all his love-children and he tried to pass them off as one of yours.  That's just so wrong.  

I'd always treated them as mates.  In fact, I even claimed some of them as best mates.  I am so sorry, Lord, that I was such an unwitting minion of evil.  From now on, I shall walk the straight and narrow path and threaten to behead any of them who try to be in my vicinity.

I would also like to recommend President Yahya Jammeh (by the way, I love his name because in your infinite wisdom you gave him a name that means arrogant in Indonesian ... which he is not, of course ... so clever!) for the Angel Network award.  You know, the one started by your lobbyist.  Yes, the tupperware party circuit organised by that Ms Oprah who mans your lobby.

Anyway, I think his speech to announce this latest directive was incredibly touching.  I can even quote it ad verbatim, with the help of the Sydney Morning Herald.

"The Gambia is a country of believers ... sinful and immoral practices (such) as homosexuality will not be tolerated in this country," the president told a crowd at a political rally on May 15, local journalists told AFP on Thursday.

My God, I admit I am a trifle slow as it's taking me quite a while to figure out out what kind of believers Gambians are.  And it does not help that I keep hearing the tune of "I'm a believer ..." which causes my hips to shake and my feet to tap.  All terribly inappropriate for reading missives of religious doctrines.

Actually, if you do not mind terribly, oh Saviour of all threatened by the scourge of homosexuality, can you just drop me a hint of what the Gambian are believers of, please?  You can either leave me a voicemail, text me or IM me, Lord.  I am also on Facebook.  I can My Friend you, OK?

Anyway, back to your promised land of Gambia.  It is obvious they are your chosen people, Lord, for why else would they be the only ones chosen to be cured of Aids?  You are infinitely wise and loving to withhold your favour from the rest of the world who condone such sinful and sordid practises of sodomy.  Tough love is much needed.

President Jammeh went on the mountain-tops (no, I did not so hear the lyrics "The hills are alive ...") and told his people that you have given them the "miracle" cure for HIV and Aids in January this year.  What a lovely New Year gift, Lord.  I am not complaining that all I got was the flu because I know now that it was probably because I went out partying with my gay former-friends.  I now realise my sins.

The treatment is based on medicinal plants and a Koranic verse, which I think is so fantastic.  I am so stoked that it's all organic, without using chemicals.  Like even the Scientologists will be able to use this, if and when they accept that the Koran is pre-Thetan and Hubbard.  

I wish your chosen people in Gambia had greater faith and did not have to be ordered to give up their Aids antiretroviral drugs.  But I know you can get through this as you did in the old days when you had to send blights, locusts and the such to every household to convince them that you could cure diseases.  Maybe if they had radio then and you could tome, "Dr Love is in the house ..."

Like if you can bring it, you can take it away, ya know?  They should really just put their trust in you.  

But President Jammeh is keeping the faith and what a fine example he is setting for the infidels.  I think you should promote him to Prophet status.  Not that I am telling you what to do, of course, Lord.  I'm just saying ...  maybe a little something something for this fine crusader of God.

Alright, I have to go now, Lord, as you know I have to go find that Koranic verse and do some herb gathering.  Ya think you could like maybe help me out here by putting an X on the right page in the Koran and on the spot where the weed is growing?  

* Please note that title of post should be recited to the tune of one of Bob Marley's songs.

Japanese Deploy Pussy Power

Alright, this is just too funny.  I could not, just could not resist.

I love the Japanese.  They have this completely surreal perspective that is often totally hilarious yet charming in their naiveté.  Yet they can be sharp as tacks and totally cutting edge.  Definitely a land of oxymorons and paradox. 

And boy, have they exhibited it with their latest ambassador of tourism.

Hiya Pussy.

Er, sorry, that's Hello Kitty.

Anywhere else in the world, the idea of having a fictional cartoon character as a national icon of tourism would be a thing of embarrassment.  In Japan, it is a source of pride.

In today's Associated Press, it was reported that Hello Kitty has climbed the career ladder from being a marketing icon, designed to fleece parents when their little girls cry and whine over the moon-faced feline, to official "government envoy".

Just how Disneyish is that?  

But let's not sneer at this feat of marketing.  The Japanese might not be as barmy as they appear.

The puss in tourist Birkenstocks, white socks, hat and camera will only be deployed to hypnotise the cute-crazed minions in Hong Kong and China.  Let's see.  There were riots in Hong Kong when they ran out of Hello Kitty giveaways in their Happy Meals after queues were formed for days.  In China, they are status symbols.

You know ... these Japanese know of what they unleash.

To reach their targeted 10 million per annum visitors to Japan, they need to up the ante in these two countries, which accounted for 16.5 percent of their visitors in 2007.  This year, this group of pussy-lovers are projected to be the second largest tourist groups after South Korea.  What?  Koreans don't like cats?

As an aside, the Japanese government is obviously trying to update their image to a younger, more fanboy/fangirl-friendly appeal.  Although this is the first time they have utilised pussy-power, it is not the first time they have resorted to 2D allure.  In March this year, they named another cat "Anime ambassador".  You guessed it, Doraemon is also an official Japanese official alongside his feline playmate, Hello Kitty.

What next?  Maybe if Garfield emigrated he might be able to get a job with the Japanese government.

According to AP, the Hello Kitty mania has already began.  This 34-year-old feline recently has a multi-million dollar musical in Beijing and is currently on a national tour, which will then begin its bid for world domination by targeting the feeble-minded in Malaysia, Singapore and the US.  No bad for a pinhead that first made its debut on a plastic coin purse in 1974.

According to her official profile at parent company, Sanrio, Hello Kitty still lives with her family in London.  What?  Japan not good enough for her?  Bit hard to represent a place if you do not live there, no?

And no, I am not being a sour puss.

But I sure would like to see Barbie become the tourism ambassador for the US.

* Photo from AP

Bottoms Get a Spanking with Hanes Ads

I've been out of advertising for a while now but I am sure things do not change that much.  So out of residual legacy interest, I found this article by IndieQuill extremely intriguing.

During art school, you cling to the belief that art is more important than selling out.  Then you become a marketing machine and realise that the art of selling really does not have much to do with art at all.

I remember being particularly sorry for a friend who had to undertake the TVCs of a chain of very successful convenience stores.  When we met up I gently chided her on producing such low-brow and tasteless ads.  Yes, I was an opinionated, rude bugger then.  And some say now too.

However, another friend who had gone over to the dark side, i.e. became a suit, told me that they might be low-brow and tacky but they worked for the target audience.  The chain attracted a majority of low- to mid-income workers with limited education and exposure.  The mentality was herd and the taste was LC.  I had to ask what LC meant.  Apparently, it means low-class.

That was an extremely good lesson for someone who had just graduated with rose tinted glasses from the safety of art brainwashing.  

As I, myself, later became a drone of the Dark Side, I began to comprehend more about the craft and nuances of direct and indirect marketing, and my favourite then, guerilla marketing.  I just liked saying it and then making woo woo woo noises and jumping around like King Kong.  

Seeing the reaction to the Hanes ads made me realise that a lot of people are missing the plot.  Or just undeveloped in their thinking and comprehension as I once was.  And still am ... but I am trying.

Let's look at the facts.

The three Hanes ads appeared in India and apparently, nowhere else.

A guess would be that it was created in India, which was later proven right.  It would also mean that McCann Erikson would never have dared to release the ads in the US.  Which could mean that they knew about the ad and were not, as they claim, ignorant of this.  The fact that it was published first in a fairly obscure publication could mean that they wanted to fulfill the requirement of the advertising awards criteria without bring the existence of the three ads to notice.

According to Hello Negro, 

Prasoon Joshi, chairman and national creative director of McCann, issued the following statement to ET, after first expressing shock that the ads were released in the Free Press Journal, “We have withdrawn the ads and also apologised to McCann Worldwide, stating it was a mistake. A young team in its excitement and passion for winning awards went overboard. The intention was never to hurt anyone’s sentiments and it was done in complete innocence.”

The McCann Erikson apology accused two creatives who decided to flout the almighty McCann Erikson policies because they wanted to enter the ads in a contest, and thus placed the ads in late 2007.  All three of them.  At the same time.  In the same publication.

Do you know how agencies work?  Do you know how hard it is for creatives to run anything without the interference of not just media, but production and account servicing?  If creatives can go around doing whatsoever they wish without any of these three on their case, hell, I might have stayed in advertising!

And even the smallest publications would cost you something something to place three print ads.  Especially if they were full page full colour.  How did they get the client's sign-off?  (I am assuming that these were real ads and not just storyboards published as part of a media article.)

It is impossible for them to get a media booking form off without the client sign-off (or for that matter any of the three departments' sign-off).  And no media booking can happen without media knowing about it.  

So, one can surmise that the client and the agency knew of the three ads.  Or is Mr Joshi trying to tell us that such basic systems, that even the most fly-by-night agencies in Timbuktu would implement, would elude one of the larger agencies ?

Come on, McCann Erikson.  Don't treat us like complete morons.  Someone(s) besides the two creatives messed up.  Heads rolled and doom tolled.  At least give us the real story here.  We would understand.  Honesty in this case would have gained you more brownie points than prevarication.  Really.  

The Hanes ads advocate a life without labels or tags as evinced by their tagline, 

“Hanes. Because the world gives you enough labels” 

Yes, I am with you.  What?  Where?  Put on your super-magnifying glasses and read again.  There.  Right at the bottom.  In print small enough to be on your divorce settlement papers.  

Look, the basic thing in branding is that you make your tagline clear.  It should not be overshadowed by other concepts to confuse your primary message.  

In this case, the eyes and brains will get stuck on either the blazing fonts of Faggot, Paki or Nigger.  The less rational will fly into a rage and will be unable to read to the bottom.  The lesser beings will jump for joy that someone agrees with their bigoted view of the world because they too cannot read beyond the first line.

Hey, Hanes brings halfwits and bigots together.  Now that is a good marketing message, no?

An ad fails when you cannot get the punchline immediately ... worse, when you cannot even see it.  If McCann Erikson and Hanes wanted to make their "we are the world," warm and fuzzy sentiments clear, they should not allocate these to the second and bottom from last priority over the need to titillate and shock.

It is just bad advertising.

The art is pretty but flawed.

Again, they are pretty, albeit a little art uni storyboardish, and the techniques are sound but the concept is flawed.  Let's just take the Faggot ad.  Obviously, and I do not mean to be snooty, the creative is a bit of a homo-dube.  If he or she is gay, that is even more a crime.  

By depicting the gay community as a largely drag-queenish community, they do injustice and cast insult with their so-called well-intentions.

Perhaps that was what the intentions were.  To illustrate the generalisations about the gay community.  But again, with their ambiguity of conceptual definitions and mixed messages, they invoke more doubts and confusion than clear lines.  

Again, it is bad advertising to leave people pondering more about intent than going out to buy Hanes knickers.

My guess is that the Hanes accounts team at McCann Erikson India did a song and dance that sold the concept to some inexperienced (and probably fired by now) marketing executive(s) at Hanes Bombay.  They managed to convince him or her that it would be an award-winning ad that would be a real feather in their mutual caps.  It would set the world ablaze with an admonishing blandishing of bottoms and moon the established, boring genre of bottom peddlars featuring bronzed, muscled pecs and abs.  Oh, and the knickers, of course.

Said team got started on the work and both sides did not seek approval from global branding watchdogs, i.e. Hanes Brands in New York and parent company IPG, on either side.  Because those guys would have been down like a ton of bricks on their arses before these 3 ads would have ever seen the light of day.

They tried to be smart and placed it one-off in a fairly obscure publication that only industry people would read.  (Normally, a consumer brand like Hanes would only appear in consumer and mass publications and never in a trade publication.  The media budget will not allow it.)

  
Which means it could perhaps escape the notice of Hanes headquarters.  Thus, they could enter the 3 contentious ads in the advertising awards and pull them off circulation immediately. 

Ads go out.  Big brouhaha as people everywhere either started reviling them or exhorting them as inspirational, amazing and creative.  

For those who reviled them.  Scroll down.  

For those who are putting the ads on the pedestal.  They're ads ... which did not sell more products.  That means they are inspiring people to overlook the products for the controversy, are  amazingly ineffective and creatively flawed.

OK, so McCann Erikson may have overestimated their shrewdness, overplayed their cards at controversizing, and under-estimated the power of the Internet and gay and racial activism.  Once busted, they claimed these were bogus ads not in line with the branding and corporate identity of Hanes and were never approved.  But it came out of your agency, mates.  Free Press Journal did not just pull them out of their own arses.

Maybe they could have changed the tagline to:

Hanes.  Because McCann Erikson gave you enough excuses.

By placing the three words of Faggot, Nigger and Paki bigger, more vividly highlighted and conspicuous than their beliefs, Hanes and McCann Erikson effectively cracked the brand and reputation of Hanes and the agency in one swoop.

My condolences.

Of course, this is only my educated (OK, ignorant if you choose to disagree) guess and may be far from the truth.  But the fact remains McCann Erikson screwed up.  And they should have had the grace to apologise properly.

What I find even more reprehensible is the Mr Joshi's attempt to excuse his agency.  To disregard the client and global office's brief as easily as his Hanes Y-briefs, is not only criminal but career-suicide.  You can only wonder at his monumental arrogance and insularity as reported by Hello Negro,

Mr Joshi told ET, “Our regular ads are incapable of making it big internationally. Hence, all agencies stoop to one-off advertising. This is the normal practice across the entire Asia-Pacific region.”

I would like to refute that.  Not all agencies resort to one-off advertising.  Especially the bigger players.  It is bad practise, waste of much needed time and resources, and extremely short sighted.  

And "regular ads" have made it big internationally.  Dude, it is the bread and butter that usually make big (with the exception of special projects ad campaigns) because they can command the required media placements to ensure optimum top of mind.  Especially if you are or represent a big, international player.  

And Mr Joshi, it is, thankfully, not normal practice across the entire Asia-Pacific region.   Please do not malign the entire advertising industry in the APAC region as you have annihilated your own agency's reputation.  I really suggest media training.  Really.

There are also rumours that McCann Erikson India has been in trouble before for using the brand of companies it does not represent in advertising awards entries.  And that the reason why it so flagrantly flouted its mandate for Hanes in lieu of its pursuit of vainglory, is because the Hanes account is not a major account for the agency in India and, therefore, they were not afraid to lose it.  

If this is true, I truly feel sorry for IPG.  Having to deal with recalcitrant affiliates or local offices that do not understand the big picture is always hard.  Having to deal with an avenging client and bad press ... well, again, my condolences.