Solange S'Orange

There are days I really feel good about my self.  Not today as I am sick as a dog.  If the dog had asthma, bronchitis and the voice of Rod Stewart. 

Well, until I saw this photo of Solange Knowles.

And suddenly I felt marginally better.

Who the hell let her out of the house looking like that?  Beyonce, did you do that?  Why you be hating like that?  Tina, you designed that dress, didn't you?  How many times must I tell you to get some Barbie dolls and stop inflicting your daughters with your fashion mishaps?

The girl is 22 and she looks like a 32-year-old, failed showgirl from Vegas.  Or a Miss Clueless beauty pageant.

Come on!  It's even worse as her elder sister actually looks classy and fresh next to her while she looks like a hot, tranny mess.

That orange rosette explosion of putridness should be ejected into space.  Except alien invasion will definitely happen light years from now when they mistake that for a hostile attack.

For the love of all that's holy, someone give that girl a makeover!

The Devil Wears Prada, The Pope Wears Down PETA

I did not even know this but apparently the current pope has been labelled as the "Prada Pope".  Our man was even included by Esquire in its best-dressed men's list!  Really???  I wonder if it is going to become a habit - bada ching!  Sorry.

And I thought he was German.  "Burda Pope" might be more appropriate, ja?  

Dude, you're a fashionista and I didn't even know it!  Maybe being Catholic can be hip instead of a target for bad quips.

But perhaps my ignorance was bliss as it turns out all to be total hogwash.  

And all because ye ole Pope Benedict XVI wore red loafers.  And ermine.  I guess the devil may wear Prada but the Pope does not do communion with PETA.

Vatican paper says pope does not wear Prada

VATICAN CITY (AP) — The devil may wear Prada — but the pope does not. According to the Vatican newspaper L'Osservatore Romano, the bright red loafers that Pope Benedict XVI wears are not designed by the Milanese fashion house, as has long been rumored.

"Obviously the attribution was false," the Vatican newspaper said in its Thursday's editions.

"Such rumors are inconsistent with the simple and somber man who, on the day of his election to the papacy, showed to the faithful gathered in St. Peter's Square and to the whole world the sleeves of a modest black sweater," it said.

Still, Benedict's fashion sense has often drawn media attention.

Three years ago around Christmas, he showed up for his weekly public audience in St. Peter's Square wearing a fur-trimmed stocking cap that could have passed for a Santa Claus hat. The hat, as it turned out, is a "camauro," which dates back to the Middle Ages and figures in many papal portraits.

On a separate occasion, Benedict sported a sumptuous red velvet cape trimmed in ermine — another piece of traditional papal attire that had long been abandoned.

L'Osservatore Romano said the pope's interest in clothes has nothing to do with fashion and everything to do with liturgy — what symbolism traditional garments can bring to the Christian liturgy.

"The pope, therefore, does not wear Prada, but Christ," L'Osservatore said.

 

Yohji Bear

There is hope for all hobos.  This man is apparently a model.  Not just a model.  A haute couture runway show model for Yohji Yamamoto's latest Paris menswear collection.

Egads.

Brazilian Waxing Unlyrical

This is bloody cruel, I say. It's not enough that women typically suffer from extreme anxiety over the state of their bodies when they have to put on their bathers ... they had to start attacking a leggy 5ft 11 Victoria Secret model for being fat.

Karolina Kurkova was recently attacked by the Brazilian press for having "back fat, love handles and cellulite on her butt". They were apparently "horrified" when the 24-year-old strutted the runway at a recent Cia Maritima show looking "uncharacteristically chubby".

Yo. Get a grip. If that is chubby I would hate to hear what they call Britney Spears.

OK, so Kurkova is not looking as fit and toned as she used to, which is rather unfortunate for someone at her age. But by no means is she chubby.

And don't forget the camera piles on weight on most women. I look like a chubby chipmunk on film when I weigh almost the same as one. Which is why I try to avoid cameras.

I reckon Kurkova has just been laying off the exercise the last couple of months and forgot to spray before going out on the runway. 

Still, as one of the highest paid models in the industry who allegedly earns $5 million annually with her famous body, she does have a responsibility to keep it in top shape during a swimwear runway show.

From a business point of view, it is not her weight that is the problem. But when the media and public get hung up on her alleged weight and no one remembers the swimwear line, it is clear than that she has failed in her job.

Note to self: Hit gym before wearing bikini when in Brazil.

Baby, You Can Wear My Dress

I must be insane to post anything to do with being knocked up.  Not that I have anything against it.  It's just that everything abut it makes me queasy.  And not in the Oh Lord-I-am-expecting kinda way and more in the I-think-I-am-gonna-be-ill-and-is-this-contagious kinda way.

However, I have been noticing that Nicole Kidman is sporting a bump.  I knew she was preggers but I typically do not pay attention to bumps.  But she makes it really hard for you not to notice.  Especially when she is holding on to it in every frame as if it is a very heavy bowling ball she is afraid to drop.

Hey, that's better than me wondering if she is pressing on her uterus so she does not need to make a loo run and miss all the paparazzi!

But I must admit, the dress is a beaut.  She always has rather nice taste in clothes and it's good that she does not suddenly go bonkers and starts adopting muumuus and circus tents as clothing just because she has a 9-month growth.

I love the colour, lines and cut of her dress.  It highlights without objectifying her baby bump.  Really, I wish she would stop clutching it so.  Give the baby some space, would ya?  It's hard enough being squished in there for 9 months!

Anyway, I would so wear that dress even if I was not preggers.  Of course it is a YSL so that will make it as expensive as bringing up a baby for say, 5 years?

Hair of the Dog

I love dogs but this grossed me out.

A couple of dog lovers decided to keep their beloved pets with them forever by wearing them.  Yes, that was my immediate reaction too until I realised they weren't talking about skinning their dogs and being walking taxidermy specimens.

Beth and Brian Willis doggedly collected the moulted fur of their long-haired pedigree dogs and knitted jumpers out of them.  

According to the Willises, the hair of the dog keeps them remarkably warm and dry no matter the weather.

Their first canny jumper was contributed by Kara, their white Samoyed, a Russian breed of long-haired pooch, in 1990 while she was still alive.  The dog that is.  Well, so was Mrs Willis, I think.

Mrs Willis declares that the raw material is superior as it is not "hair but wool".  

I'm sorry, ma'am but in this here dictionary, it says:

1. 1. The dense, soft, often curly hair forming the coat of sheep and certain other mammals, such as the goat and alpaca, consisting of cylindrical fibers of keratin covered by minute overlapping scales and much valued as a textile fabric.
   2. A material or garment made of this hair.
2. The furry hair of some insect larvae, such as the caterpillar.

I ain't seen a dog that can cloak itself so well as a sheep, goat or alpaca ... or even caterpillar yet.

  

She collects the "wool" by wetting her hands and running them over the carpet.  I must say that would save on the Hoovers.

In the Daily Mail article, where I got this information, it claims that "The Samoyed breed is native to northern Russia, where they were used to keep children warm.  Its fur is almost waterproof and softer than alpaca".  Wonderful bit of journalism there.  Pray tell, how the Samoyeds kept the children warm?  By cuddling up to them or shedding all over them?

The second pooch padding was from their Swedish Lapphund, Penny, who passed on 6 years ago.  No, not from baldness as far as I know.  Mrs Willis had a jumper made for her husband this time who wears it into town every Saturday to do his weekly shopping.  He claims he gets the sweats form it because it is so warm.

I'd like a penny for everyone's thoughts as they see him lapping around town in his dog suit.

BEFORE

AFTER

The dog hairs are sent to a woman called Ms Malise Mcguire who specialises in the hairy task and has been at it since 1977.  Really, she had me at woof!  

I keep looking at the picture of the Willises, all pennied up and just think ... Doggone it, that's the most hair-brained thing I've seen in a while.

Viona Rhapsody

While I was doing my research on ruffs, I came across this woman's site and was completely blown away.  Viona uses colour as freely as a drag queen uses wigs and platforms.

Wonderfully lush.  Surreally suggestive without looking sordid.  She tries to tell a story in each frame.  

Viona lists her talents as photography, costumes, art direction and styling.  You can tell she directs her shots very carefully and uses all four elements in each concept.  She is obviously a wild romantic inclined towards flights of fancies about fairies and leprechauns and courts of intrigues, enchanted woods and magical rivers.  

You can imagine the frames coming from Merlin or Narnia.  Fairytales are the staple and reality is fended off with a zoom lens.

There is a childlike glee in how she unfolds her subjects onto the tapestry of fanciful imagination.  A cultivated lack of sophistication in her treatment.  I rather like it.

I think she can use lighting and shadows and filters a lot more effectively to manipulate and achieve the mood she is trying to achieve.  Maybe even invest in a smoke machine.  

She should also consider using dancers to play with lines, formations to give more complex yet cleaner compositions to her work.  I can tell what she is trying for but feels that she is let down by the limitations of her models.

However, I can see that she might have some problems crossing over into commercial work.  Hopefully, she can traverse that threshold and still maintain her jewel-tinted glasses.

On a personal note, I love the costumes and would wear any of them in a heartbeat!  Sigh.

She actually sells her stuff on her website as well so if you're into cosplay and fetish, you might want to load up your shopping cart there.

Cosmetic Confidential

I was watching telly with some friends and some entertainment programme came on and went on and on about stars without makeup and kept shredding them to pieces over the silliest, most mundane things.

We could not quite understand the venom cast at these celebrities for most parts but some of them were quite well deserved.  So I thought I'd have a look at some of the stars sans makeup and see if I would feel better about myself or feel sorry for them or both.

First up is Demi Moore.  Honestly, for her age, she looks pretty darn good.  So she seems to have bad skin and looks more her age under her makeup.  But still, even without makeup, she looks better than most women her age.  I just want to know who her makeup artist is.  Fab job.  Teach me, mate!

Then we have Heidi Klum who looks way better without makeup in my opinion.  She definitely looks younger without the ladies who lunch plaster of Mac on her face.  Heidi, clean face is in, Ab Fab makeup is Aut!  Say Auf Wiedersehn to the bronzer brush too!  The George Hamilton look is a tranny mess, honey.

Kirsten Dunst.  What can I say.  I loved her in Interview with a Vampire but admittedly she grew up to be a rather plain young woman.  Still, she has a fresh face that looks pretty good unadorned by makeup - she looks like any other young girl and certainly no troll by any standards.  But the difference with a whole lotta of eyeliner, foundation and colour actually makes her fairly pretty.  

I think the Olsen Twins are scary.  They have a cadaverous, claw-y demeanour and body language to them that makes me think of crow women.  Couple that with their bad fashion choices, worse dating decisions and not-sure-if-its-goth-or-The-Contender-loser makeup, they really make the news in a bad way.  But the trashing of Mary Kate without makeup is unjustified.  She looks better without makeup.  Like the child she is still ... a 22-year-old instead of someone who looks 32.  Look how wholesome she looks sans makeup versus the anaemic raccoon caught in the headlights of an oncoming car look.  Back away from the eyeliner, Mary Kate ... back away from the eyeliner ...

I am on the fence on this one.  Eva Longoria is undoubtedly a stunning Latina.  But under the makeup she appears to be just a pretty Latina.  A very pretty one but definitely lacking that X-factor that the Max-factor can impart.  Oh the wonders of makeup!  

Miss Simpson, I do declah!  You need to fire your makeup artist.  Good lord!  Who knew such a pretty young woman lived underneath all that skanky, hoe glow?   Honestly, she is stunning without all that paint that makes her look like a waitress from Hooters!  She should definitely, without a doubt, go without.  And what is it with the blondes overdosing on the eyeliner?

Hmmm, I don't know about this one.  It could just be a badly taken photo but Lisa Kudrow does look awfully wrinkled and aged in the non makeup photo.  Will say she looks better with makeup though.

Frankly do not see much difference with or without makeup for Alicia Silverstone.  Not sure why they panned her so badly.  And anyway, always just found her blandly pretty with no real charisma to her face.

OK, Jessica Biel definitely needs a little makeup.  Sure you can still tell she's a beautiful woman despite the red-rimmed eyes and cadaver lips but she definitely needs colour - especially on the lips.  

Is it me or are all the young starlets looking better without makeup?  I understand the youth and subtlety are dichotomies but surely they own mirrors?  Lindsay Lohan looks so much like a 40-year-old now (this is actually a rather kind and backdated photo) that even without make-up she looks aged.  How on earth did she get this way?  OK, stoopid question ...

Penelope Cruz is one hot mama but in the no makeup picture she actually looks a little like my mama.  I kid you not.  Just thinner in the face and with a longer and sharper nose.  She actually looks like one of the ladies in black who loiter around the squares to bitch about you in Spain.  I have a bad feeling that Ms Cruz may grow into a rather scary old lady.

I've seen Cameron Diaz's before pictures for ages now and the media seems to like crucifying her over them.  She's beyond plain the makeup (OK, she's pretty fugly in one of the pictures) and she seems to have horrendously bad skin.  Which makes me feel really, really good about myself, especially during that time of the month when I break out like crazy.  But I like her attitude.  She does not give two hoots.  Good on her.  

She's 18, gorgeous, talented, with a hit TV series and a hot boyfriend.  And she looks great without makeup.  It is easy to hate this ingenue but really, be serious.  If you look like shite and need makeup at 18, it's going to be a downhill slide without plastic surgery for you.

Another one that falls into the Heidi Klum, Jessica Simpson category.  Waaaaay too much makeup that makes Katherine Hiegl look like an aging dowager who's waiting for her dance instructor toy-boy to take her out for walkies.  Honestly, she's really pretty without makeup so she should stop trying to look like a wax figure from Madame Trussard's.

Cripes.  Christina Ricci should get on her knees and pray to the Makeup God because that's just ... cripes.

Ah, I think she looks way better without makeup.  She looks more natural, younger and real unlike her usual, overly madeup look that can sometimes make her comes across as plastic, smug, insincere and self-satisfied.  

Right, she needs makeup because it's quite obvious she's rather plain without it but I think Pamela Anderson should try a lighter hand with her war paint so she does not look like she's still kicking and screaming her way out of her pornstar past.  But I think she looks so much better without the makeup only because she looks like a mummy who can be warm and normal.

Oh dear.  Definitely makeup required for Christina Applegate.  'Nuff said.

You have no idea how good seeing the before pictures of the two Kates - Moss and Holmes, Gwen Stefani and Tyra Banks - makes me feel.  No sign of suppression anywhere.  If supermodels, pop stars and Stepford Wives can look like that, there's hope for me still.

Brain Sifter Cannot Permeate Plastic

I'm sitting there minding my own beeswax, reading my magazine while waiting my turn.

Sharm's animated voice is going on and on as usual. He's got new products in and one of the girls is all aflutter, begging to try them out.

He lets her play and swans around fixing someone's hair.

"Shaaaaarrrrm ... how come it's not coming out from the sifter?!!!" she manages to screech past her pout.

"Whaaaaaat??? What's not coming out through the sifter?"

"The eyeshadow!"

I look up and meet his eyes. He rolls his. And sashays overs to check on the recalcitrant pot of eyeshadow.

As he approaches her, his voice drips with sarcasm as he asks, "Dahling, such drama! For all you know you haven't open it! You know, like that clear plastic sticker on it?" 

And he laughs drolly, positive that no one could be that daft. 

"Oh yeah! That explains it."

Silence.

Sharm and I rapidly excuse ourselves and make a dash for the exit. Where we clutch each other in hysterical and incredulous laughter for a full five minutes.

No, she is not a blonde.

Kim Your Clothes On Please

Apparently, this woman, by the name of Kim Kardashian, wants to get Britney Spears out of her clothes.

She's a paparazzi hound who's attempting to tag her wannabe claws into the fashion- and sanity-challenged Spears, by recently declaring that she would like to give the latter a makeover.

All I can say is, "no, no, no ... honey ... you gotta do the physician heal thyself thing first."

Bit of the blind leading the blind there. 

And surely she must feel some mercy and pity for Spears. It's bad enough the girl goes around flashing her knickers and bits at all and sundry.  Having this tacky fashion victim dress her would be the ultimate nail on her bedraggled coffin.

Admit it, we all want to give Britney a makeover. But before we clothe her, we need to clear her mind. And as the song goes, and the rest will follow.