Let us all pray ...
To the Creator above, below, sideways, upside down, spread-eagle, downward dog pose, whatever, and whatever and in whichever language you would like to be called today, please enlighten your humble confused.
I, in all my behemoth ignorance, am having a crisis of faith.
That is, my faith in common sense and logical thinking. But obviously, the two concepts are not compatible with the word "faith". Not that I am trying to be blasphemous, oh Mighty One who might strike me down with righteous lightning from on high.
I humbly submit my confession of total confusion and ignorance. I beg for a sign. A sign that I should stop reading the newspapers, watching any form of information broadcasts and surfing the net. In fact, I think I should just stop reading full stop. And I am also reconsidering this whole con-job of thinking.
It is your servants of moral good who have brought my ungodly thought processes to light. I do not know which division of the Heaven squad they are from but they're good. Real good.
God's Squad Team Leader aka President Yahya Jammeh of Gambia recently shook me out from my erroneous ways by threatening to behead all gays if they do not leave Gambia. I had no idea that that is the latest directive from you, Lord of all things big and small, but not beheaded. I confess I was misled into thinking gay people were also human and therefore considered one of your children. I had no idea they were adopted!
It was that Satan fella, wasn't it? They're all his love-children and he tried to pass them off as one of yours. That's just so wrong.
I'd always treated them as mates. In fact, I even claimed some of them as best mates. I am so sorry, Lord, that I was such an unwitting minion of evil. From now on, I shall walk the straight and narrow path and threaten to behead any of them who try to be in my vicinity.
I would also like to recommend President Yahya Jammeh (by the way, I love his name because in your infinite wisdom you gave him a name that means arrogant in Indonesian ... which he is not, of course ... so clever!) for the Angel Network award. You know, the one started by your lobbyist. Yes, the tupperware party circuit organised by that Ms Oprah who mans your lobby.
Anyway, I think his speech to announce this latest directive was incredibly touching. I can even quote it ad verbatim, with the help of the Sydney Morning Herald.
"The Gambia is a country of believers ... sinful and immoral practices (such) as homosexuality will not be tolerated in this country," the president told a crowd at a political rally on May 15, local journalists told AFP on Thursday.
My God, I admit I am a trifle slow as it's taking me quite a while to figure out out what kind of believers Gambians are. And it does not help that I keep hearing the tune of "I'm a believer ..." which causes my hips to shake and my feet to tap. All terribly inappropriate for reading missives of religious doctrines.
Actually, if you do not mind terribly, oh Saviour of all threatened by the scourge of homosexuality, can you just drop me a hint of what the Gambian are believers of, please? You can either leave me a voicemail, text me or IM me, Lord. I am also on Facebook. I can My Friend you, OK?
Anyway, back to your promised land of Gambia. It is obvious they are your chosen people, Lord, for why else would they be the only ones chosen to be cured of Aids? You are infinitely wise and loving to withhold your favour from the rest of the world who condone such sinful and sordid practises of sodomy. Tough love is much needed.
President Jammeh went on the mountain-tops (no, I did not so hear the lyrics "The hills are alive ...") and told his people that you have given them the "miracle" cure for HIV and Aids in January this year. What a lovely New Year gift, Lord. I am not complaining that all I got was the flu because I know now that it was probably because I went out partying with my gay former-friends. I now realise my sins.
The treatment is based on medicinal plants and a Koranic verse, which I think is so fantastic. I am so stoked that it's all organic, without using chemicals. Like even the Scientologists will be able to use this, if and when they accept that the Koran is pre-Thetan and Hubbard.
I wish your chosen people in Gambia had greater faith and did not have to be ordered to give up their Aids antiretroviral drugs. But I know you can get through this as you did in the old days when you had to send blights, locusts and the such to every household to convince them that you could cure diseases. Maybe if they had radio then and you could tome, "Dr Love is in the house ..."
Like if you can bring it, you can take it away, ya know? They should really just put their trust in you.
But President Jammeh is keeping the faith and what a fine example he is setting for the infidels. I think you should promote him to Prophet status. Not that I am telling you what to do, of course, Lord. I'm just saying ... maybe a little something something for this fine crusader of God.
Alright, I have to go now, Lord, as you know I have to go find that Koranic verse and do some herb gathering. Ya think you could like maybe help me out here by putting an X on the right page in the Koran and on the spot where the weed is growing?
* Please note that title of post should be recited to the tune of one of Bob Marley's songs.
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