Saturday, May 24, 2008

Go Away

The silence of footsteps behind

A constant presence eroding the distance
Smiles and conversations flow towards the unsuspecting audience
All they see is unfettered resistance
To shackles of conformity 
Self-centred preoccupation

From whence came this dream?
Or should the semantic evolve to nightmare?
For it instills fear 
Not the clearly defined blood line of physical horror
But of the unknown and unwanted
That cannot be tossed carelessly to the winds
Lurking silently in wait
Behind the darkened curtains of sleep

Always the sense that matrimony misfits
For one who has seen little of the benefits
Logical cogitations of a paper
That cuts and shreds more easily than sabres

Dalliances with many
Heart tangling with few
None ever felt right
The mind's eye just could not sight
Any that shook the conviction
Conjugal bliss is indeed another conviction

Third time pushed
Thrice capitulated
First time he intruded
In a tear-soaked dream in the night

The impending sense of suffocation
Had crept ever closer
Eyes and hands holding tight
Around the heart, chest, hands and feet
To ensure the lack of flight

Cursing the predictability of actions
The trend set in defection
Of unscheduled flight from the chains of matrimony
Two months before the incarceration
That caused all eyes to watch with deep suspicion
And the increase of loving attention
To ensure the glide across the aisle

At night, the eager would-be groom
Holds on with tightening possession
Sleep is both comforting and troubling
Dreams comes in greater procession

But none like this had come before

He came for the first time two months before the wedding
Dark silence was his cladding
Mist and fog swirled like 
Inane smoke machinations from a rock concert

Sensing his presence before sighting
The heart hurts
Fissures pierce jagged shards 
Slow, sure cracks break asunder
The self-imposed peace of acceptance

The tears force bleeding beads of heartache to the surface
Immense surprise at the liquid expressions on the face
Of such happiness and excitement that had mingled
With a lifelong fear of marriage
Such joy and love for the partner
Such devotion and faith for each other

Who now comes in my sleep
To force his attention upon my subconscious?

Remember me

Sensing his presence and still not sighting
It threatens and calls at the same time

Go away

Remember me

Insistence pierce his quiet words
Modulated, sure and gentle
In tone and volume
But plaintive and searing grief 
Hurled from the shadows
Behind those words

My heart had began aching before he spoke
It was as if it recognised the pain
Before it hit
My face had become tear-stained
Before his familiar voice had curled
The two words around my soul

Who are you?
What do you want?
I do not know you
Leave me alone

Remember me
I am the one you love
Remember me

Fear gripped me
Sorrow rended my soul
Tears seared my lips
My arms felt the cold
No warmth could I keep

What are you talking about?
I do not know you
How can I love you?
I only love one 
I have no idea who you are!

Remember me
He is not the one
I am the one
I am the one who loves you
I am the one you love
Remember me

I know of not what you speak
Leave me alone
I have not been with any other
Since I have love this man
How can I love you if I have never met you?
Go away
Leave me alone

He is not the one
Remember me
I am the one you love
Remember me

His shadowy presence cannot be detected
The direction of his words unfathomable
Yet they are unerringly accurate
Sure as arrows they pierce and cut
Through the mists 
Straight to the heart

Eyes try to break through the clouds of dreams
What does he look like?
Who is he?
An almost desperate need to identify
The cause of such shatteringly pain in the heart
That had not ceased since awakening to his call
The anger that he dared to push such unreasoning grief
Unto my complacent peace and joy
That was hard-won and constantly wavering

There he is
The eyes see not
But the heart knows
Face unseen
Body undefined
It is a phantom
That had a sure grip fisted onto a breaking heart

Why is there such sorrow?
Why do I weep so?
Why is my heart breaking?
I do not understand
I am in love with no one except the intended
Have never felt such unexpected heartache 

Who are you?  
Why do you do this?
Go away

Determination firms the shatteringly heart
Blindly turning to run away

Turn around!
Turn around and look at me!
Remember me!
I am the one who loves you!  Remember me!
Turn around!
Remember me!

Now screams of terror burst uncontrollably

No!  Leave me alone! 
I do not know who you are
I cannot remember someone I do not know
Leave me alone!
Leave me alone
Go away!

I wake 
Crying uncontrollable
The heart emits such fiery bursts of pain
I grip my chest in fear of real physical ailment
Sitting upright in the reflected raw colours of glass stained
Tears soaking the pillows and my garment

I am awake
Why does the heart not stop aching?
The nightmare is over
He is gone

Swift turn of the head to stare at the sleeping face
Momentary blindness as I wonder who he is
The lack of recognition before realising 
Place, time and circumstance
Guilt as I touch his hand to confirm
You are the one I chose
Shame and guilt compound as he seeks my touch in his sleep
As if to reassure himself I am not gone
To somewhere he cannot hold on 

Holding his hand reluctantly
Somehow feeling like an adulterer
That someone has been wronged
Resting back on the pillow
The beginning of a distance between the promise

Sobs still rendering sleep impossible

Finally overcome by weariness
A new day
Determined forgetfulness
Never mentioned
And ultimately forgotten

Until the day when marriage dissolved
In the midst of angry words and threats
In the hidden sanctuary of avoidance
In the insistence of space and time
In the stalking of an angry soon-to-be-ex-spouse

The dream returned


Remember me

Startled from the fogs of forgetfulness
Crafted from the need for peace
And a chance for the chosen
The memory of the past encounter return

The heartache and sorrow the same
The questions and answers remain

Remember me
Turn around and look at me
Remember me

Go away
Leave me alone

The stalking dream returns once in a while
The script unchanging

The period of rest between disturbance varies
To lull into a sense of security that coincidence tarries

An anger builds
How dare he?

A rebellion stirs
Even as a fear grows

No shackles
No more

No belief in soulmates
Such silly romanticism 
A mockery of intelligence and sanity
The concept even insults the mind
Barricaded against the temerity
Of the dream that haunts and plague

Logical explanations must abound
My mind and sanity both sound

But it plagues enough that 
Desire for further entanglements 
Wariness in case one should both be the salve
And catalyst
For the torment of dreams involved
In making me eschew 

There is no one
No one to remember

A festering hatred for those words
Startled fear when they are heard
Instant anger at their power
To disturb the much wanted and fought for

Do not make my heart bleed

Do not bring tears to me at night

Do not ask for my love

Do not wait for me around the corner

Do not hide in the shadows

Do not call out to me

I do not want this

Leave me alone

Go away

I now remember you
Remember you as one who stalks me
When I deserve peace

Leave me alone

Go away