Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Balls Not Part of Balanced Diet

It's an old story but I reckon rather relevant even today. Back in the day, actually February 2005, we already had signs that the eating disorders of young women were coming to a head.

So let this be a lesson to all of you looking to host successful parties. Make sure you provide enough bites.

A woman apparently became a veritable ball of rage and launched a testicular attack at a party in Liverpool. 

Amanda Monti, aged 24 then and hopefully aged 27 now if she maintained a well-balanced diet, had gotten into a domestic with her on-again, off-again, open-relationship and finally, no-relationship boyfriend, Geoffrey Jones.

Mr Jones, aged 37 then and now just aged and lesser by one testicle, had ended the relationship but remained good friends with her. Which is why they both went to a party together and adjoined back at his place for an after-party party with more friends.

An argument ensued whereupon Ms Monti went the full monty by yanking at Jones' genital, at which he clarified, "That caused my underpants to come off and I found I was completely naked and in excruciating pain."

Completely nekkid, eh? Which meant he was wearing only his underpants at this party? Well, I suppose it is his house and bollocks, if you can't be comfortable in your own home, where else can you be?!!

A friend recounted that Ms Monti, having separated the testicle from its holder, proceeded to stuff it in her mouth in an attempt to swallow it. So that answers the question from a number of readers ...

Mr Jones should be gratified at the validation of his size as Ms Monti apparently choked and had to spit it out. That further clarifies the readers' question about her throaty abilities.

A friend, no mention of hers or his, grabbed the ball by the throat, as it were, and gave it to Jones declaring, "That's yours."

Somehow I do not see many other party-goers rushing forth to claim it for their own, do you?

Ms Monti, who was sent to prison for two & a half years, sent a pretty little note to the courts.

"It was never my intention to cause harm to Geoff and the fact that I have caused him injury will live with me forever. I am in no way a violent person."

The letter added: "I have challenged myself to explain what has happened but still I just cannot remember. This has caused much anguish to me and will do for the rest of my life."

Well, it was a good thing she did not digest the ball of non-violent material as it would have indeed lived with her forever. 

By the by, Mr Jones is also now known as Jonesed on the Side as they never managed to re-attached his erstwhile ball. She should be released by now and I wonder if she has had the balls to make amends.

But, I think, like Mr Jones, I am leaning towards nought.