Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Eye of A Cougar

Well, they do say love knows no bounds. However, I really would like to know what Osama Bin Hiddin' is thinking now.

It appears that the Bin Laden genes are much more tolerant, open, loving and Rasta than we thought. After all, how else can you explain how the new daughter-in-law of the Bin Hiddin' clan is a cougar. And what a cougar!

Photos from

But before we focus our attention at this chi chi feline, get a load of Mr Osama Bin Hiddin' junior aka Omar Osama Bin Hiddin' aka Extra from Battlefied Earth.

Our man, Omar or Baby O as I like to call him, is all of 27 and a scrap metal dealer in Jeddah. Our lady (sic) is a 51-year-old grandmama from Cheshire who lists her occupation as writer & photographer. Oh, did I forget to mention that Baby O currently has a wife and a two-year-old back home? 

But it's all good as Lady Jane Felix-Browne aka Zaina Mohamad al Sabah aka Paula Joy Hanson (look I did not make up these names ... she came up with them all by herself) had spoken to Wifey No. 1 on the phone and "she was fine with it."

She's an Arab woman on the phone with you. What did you expect? Her to call a fatwa on you and scream names beginning with w and ending with e at you? Translation: "We are fine" also starts with w and ends with e.

Least you start feeling too sorry for our lady J, Baby O is her 6th husband. Yes, she is a royalist indeed to so emulate Henry VIII. Our Zaina (you cannot hear it but I am actually playing that cheesy song Zaina in honour of her right now) has been much around the block, which would explain why she would seek out the matrimonial land of opportunity that is Afghanistan.

I think it's rather smashing that cougars set the way for us such that we can prey on fine, young men as we edge closer to our golden years. I applaud & welcome the opportunity to press my wrinkled, gnarled cheeks against the firm, taut cheeks of a wound up laddie in my later years.

However, our Cheshire cat is so dubious that even Baby O is looking wholesome in comparison. Yes, imagine that! The whole relationship and back story smacks of the work of some Coronation Street scriptwriter.

* A practising Muslim, Lady J claims she is of Arabic parentage. Her birth certificate lists her as the second child of George Hanson, mechanic from Lowestoft, and Beryl Hanson. She was born Paula Joy Hanson in Radcliffe, Lancashire.

* She claims she was married at 16 to a Saudi gentleman in London in an Islamic ceremony. There are no official records of this. And neither are there records of the father in her eldest son's birth certificate. Please note that this would be make it 1973.

* She claims she met the senior & £12.5million bounty-worth Osama Bin Hiddin' in a party in London in the early 1970s.

* She changed her name to Felix-Browne. Reasons unknown but her eldest son Dave also uses that surname. I could not find out the exact age of the eldest son but can confirm that he is older than 28. 

* She went through a slew of husbands, none of whom are lords or titled and lists her occupations in each successive marriage certificate as spinster, aircraft interior designer & psychotherapist.

* She started addressing herself as Lady around her time of her fifth marriage, to a RAC patrolman named Andy.

* She met Baby O on one of numerous annual trips to Cairo to seek treatment for her multiple sclerosis, which her friends and family assert also covered the many plastic surgery procedures such as facelifts, breast enlargements, and bottom lifts.

* She is lobbying to get her husband a visa to visit UK and presumably to spend the rest of his days in the fair comfort of her arms. She says, "Because my husband's name is Bin Laden he finds it very difficult to travel anywhere. He rarely leaves Saudi Arabia because of the problems he runs into at airports." 

Only airports? I run into problems everywhere just for wearing a ghalabeeya!

"He would like to spend quite a bit of time here. There's no reason why he should not come here to live, but I don't think he would like the weather." 

No, no reason at all for the boy who grew up in the training camps of Al Qaeda from a tender age and who only estranged from his father after a fight on the Taiban's tactics during 9/11. Which by the way, he did not protest the act, he just protested the fact that it derailed the Taliban regime.

* Lady J insists that Baby O has not seen his father since 6 months before 9/11 and her spouse describes Big O as a "very kind man". 

* She claims her beleaguered husband is wary of everyone and is watchful of cameras and of being followed. Silly boy, those MI6, CIA and Saudi operatives always hang around Cheshire pubs and Jeddah airports to protect cougars like Lady J. It's all part of the service.

* Lastly, Lady J says she just wants to live a quiet life with her new husband in our fair isle of UK. I'm sure she can since she drives a white Jaguar with an Egyptian licence plate in the village of Moulton, wears predominantly black with a walking stick, and best of all, can lay claim to a man whose address is most wanted by the SAS.

Ah, our lordship in Bath must do better in the eccentricity stakes as we're starting to look bad next to Cheshire.

Whatsherface Bin El Gabra*

*Gabra means confused or lost