Monday, January 28, 2008

Honk if You Luuurrrrve Me

I am surprised I did not know of this till a friend mentioned it.  Of course, once I did, I had to get down with the story here.

Hey, Apollo!  Banzai!

That was probably what William F B Gander was thinking before he self-immolated on Apollo's face.

William F B (short for Fabio Basher) Gander, formerly of Orange County and last address of Busch Gardens Williamsburg, had decided he had enough of supermodel Fabio's face and decided to sit on it.

Taking a page from his favourite movie, Wild Geese, the intrepid but fool-hardy goose launched a suicidal attack on the bronzed behemoth of golden-haired smarminess in March, 1999. 

The motives for the plucky goose's attack are unknown as we were unable to interview the aerial Rambo since he deader than a duck.  But a suicide note tucked into the windshield wipers of Fabio's sportcar hinted cryptically of a dalliance involving port, grapes and occasionally an orange.  

Speculations abound though.  Among them is a theory that William F B Gander was gayer than a goose and had wanted to get up close and personal with Fabio.  In his excitement for a face-to-face to deliver birthday salutations to his idol, the silly goose sadly miscalculated.

The modern day Italian god of luuurrrve was at Busch Gardens Williamsburg Festa Italia section to lend his face to the opening of the new Apollo's Chariots rides.  He arrived in style with a diamond stud twinkling merrily in one brawny ear, clad in black leather pants belying the 60 degrees morning sun (ah, but he is Apollo!), a Busch Gardens demin shirt and a flaming red cloak.  

The latter (the cloak, not the shirt) he removed prior to riding Apollo's Chariot, due to his heightened sense of security and his concern about setting a good example for the many fifth-graders, their mothers and mothers' BFFs (best fag friends) who were in attendance.  

Flanked by becoming young nymphs in virginal white, the larger-than-life poster boy sat pretty in the glorious sunlight as the ride started rising to the top.

It was then that William F B Gander spotted his prey.  Like a moth to the flamer, he aimed straight and true.  

"Take him out at the first drop ... take him out at the first drop ..." the gander stuck his neck out as he chanted his battle cry.   

As the ride picked up speed at 73 mph and began its 210-ft dive, the Goose Formerly Known as William also took his swan dive.  

It was fast.  It was furious.  There was blood.  There was no way for Fabio to get off the ride till the two-minute ride was over.  Fortunately, the virgins in waiting kept the grim-faced Fabio's spirit up while staying gingerly in their seats.  No sacrificial virgins that morning.

Fabio and his bloody honker were sent immediately to Williamsburg Community Hospital for treatment upon his landing on terra firma.  Fortunately it was a minor cut that only required a single stitch which the Italian stallion bore manfully.

The kind and civic-minded Fabio decided not to sue the park but admonished them that if it has been a child, the consequences would have been unthinkable.  He scolded them for being irresponsible and that measures should have been taken.

Park authorities are now chewing on his words and contemplating the installation of giant nets around the park to prevent foul attacks on demi-gods and children, providing Dark Vadar masks for all riders of the Apollo's Chariot and/or installing a new section in the park with life-sized, 6 ft 3 mannequins of Fabio for goose target practise as a distraction from the ride.

William F B Gander was found drowned in a river below the killing drop.  Autopsy reports stated cause as death by honker.  The Gander family has also decided not to sue the park or Fabio.

Wild Goose Brewery has just offered Fabio the headliner role in their latest television commercial, The Face That Launched a Wild Goose.  The supermodel's spokespeople have yet to respond.