Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Cruise Control

Apparently some nutters (oh sorry, that would be the International Association of Scientologists ... my bad) decided Tom Cruise deserved a Freedom Medal of Valor award which he dutifully exhibited with his 9-minute acceptance speech. His freedom and valour, that is. Not the medal. Although I have no real proof that he did not since he was so wont to share on that occasion.

I rather think Mr Cruise deserves this award. It does take some valour to come up with such complete & utter bollocks and freely announce it to the world, and thus put the ethics onto all of us SPs.

Above photo from

The Holy Grail-like video of this speech keeps appearing & disappearing off Youtube because his orgs have been like hamsters on the wheels making sure no one sees it. So if you do find it, watch it quick before it is pulled off faster than Paris Hilton's knickers. But here, brought to you by the brave and intrepid bored person that I am, unfurls the transcript, courtesy of USWeekly.

But before we read Mr Cruise's words of unleashed valour, I shall give you a primer on Scientology as divulged on

A former Scientologist commenter at RADAR has offered some of the definitions for Cruise's Scientology-speak:

KSW (short for Keeping Scientology Working): A policy written by Hubbard in the 1960's that requires all Scientologists to follow his words and his rules exactly.

Orgs: Orgs is an abbreviation for "organizations" and describes all churches of Scientology throughout the world.

David Miscavige: He is the current leader of Scientology. He's the equivalent of the Pope to the Catholics.

Out-ethics: any behavior that violates any of Hubbard's rules of conduct.

Put ethics in on someone else: make others conform to Hubbard's rules of behavior.

Criminon: Scientology front group that tries to recruit through the prisons.

SP: Suppressive Person. Anyone that doesn't like Scientology and/or criticizes Scientology.

PTS/SP: another bogus Hubbard term to define behavior that goes against Scientology rules.

LRH technology or "tech": all the Scientology policies, rules, mandates, procedures. Basically everything Hubbard wrote that controls the behavior of Scientologists. Kind of makes those Andrew Morton claims a lot more believable, eh?

And now for the main event ... applause for his Freely & Valorous Mr Tom Cruise please.

Attributed to USWeekly -Tom Cruise: ...I think it’s a privilege to call yourself a Scientologist, and it’s something that you have to earn because a Scientologist does... has the ability to create new and better realities and improve conditions. Being a Scientologist, you look at someone and know absolutely that you can help them.

Photo from

"When you're a Scientologist, and you drive by an accident, you know you have to do something about it, because you know you're the only one who can really help. We are the authorities on getting people off drugs. We are the authorities on the mind.... We are the way to happiness. We can bring peace and unite cultures. Now is the time. Being a Scientologist. People are turning to you. If you are a Scientologist, you see things the way they are, in all their glory, in all their complexity... It's rough and tumble. It's wild and woolly. It's a blast. It really is. It is fun. Because damn it, there is nothing better than going out there and fighting the fight, and suddenly you see -- boom! -- things are better. I want to know that I've done everything I can do, every day... I do what I can. And I do it the way I do everything."

"But that’s what drives me... I know that we have an opportunity to really help... effectively change people’s lives and I am dedicated to that. I am absolutely, uncompromisingly dedicated to that.

"We have a responsibility.

"We are the authorities on getting people off drugs, we are the authorities on the mind, we are the authorities on improving conditions... we can rehabilitate criminals.

"...We can bring peace and unite cultures...

"Traveling the world and meeting the people that I’ve met, talking with these leaders in various fields, they want help and they are depending on people who know and who can be effective and do it and that’s us. That is our responsibility to do that.

"It is the time now. Now is the time... Being a Scientologist, people are turning to you, so you better know it, you better know it and if you don’t, go and learn it, but don’t pretend you know it. It’s like we’re here to help.

"If you’re a Scientologist, you see life, you see things the way they are, in all its glory, all of its complexity and the more you know as a Scientologist, you don’t become overwhelmed by it.

"Look, I wish the world was a different place. I’d like to go on vacation and go and romp and play and just do that, you know what I mean. That’s what I want it to be. There’s times I’d like to do that, but I can’t because I know I have to do something about it.

"I have to do it because I can’t live with myself if I don’t, and that really is it.

"So it’s our responsibility to educate, create the new reality. We have that responsibility to say, 'Hey, this is the way it should be done because we do it this way and people are actually getting better.'

"And let’s get it done. Let’s really get it done and have enough love and compassion and toughness that you’re really going to do it and do it right.

"I have to tell you something – it is rough and tumble, and it’s wild and wooly, and it’s a blast, it’s a blast,  it really is fun because, dammit, there is nothing better than the going out there and fighting the fight and suddenly you see things are better.

"I want to know that I’ve done everything I could everyday, and I think about those people out there who are depending on us. I think about that and it does make me feel that we’ve got more work. I need more help, get those spectators either in the playing field or out of the arena. Really, that’s how I feel about it.

"I do what I can, and I do it the way I do everything. [laughs] There’s nothing part-of-the way for me."

As I wipe the tears from the cocked-up, sorry ... cockles of my heart, I have a couple of questions for Mr Cruise.

1. Were Jesus Christ, Buddha & Prophet Muhammad Scientologists?

2. When the criminions divest all those drugs from the presumably rehabilitated criminals, do they give these to you?

3. Lastly (OK, so I lied & cannot count), do I have to put the ethics on you before you share these drugs?

4. Oh, bugger it, one more ... are criminons related to Klingons & do they sport those nifty ridges on their heads? Is that why your mate John Travolta made his classic movie?

Photo from

SP Who is Willing To Convert If Mr Cruise Shares Abovementioned drugs